7 Life Crisis Moments - The First 4: Identity, Belonging, Purpose, Relationships
It isn’t a question of if, it’s a question of when.
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.
W. M. Lewis (1878-1945)
Life is a miracle. The sun, 192 million miles away, gives us light and warmth. The clouds give us rain. The seas and mountains are the calm and majestic grandeur of being. Like the waves that toss to and fro in the storm, some moments in life swell our souls up and down through the vortex of crisis. We have seven major life crisis moments. Each one a major challenge, but also necessary as steps for growth. These crises are universal, through which every person must traverse. I am in the final two life crisis moments, having passed five.
Crisis of Identity (Youth)
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.
Carl Jung (1875-1961)
Who am I? I am not my body. I cannot see my soul or my spirit. The world tells and taunts me to conform — just fit in. They tell us who we should be. Don't stick out and be myself. Societal norms and our education label us and conform us, and we tend to gravitate to a standard, and so we lose our individuality and the development of our soul and spirit.
I often stared at the sun, pondering this question. I read books to explore the human spirit. I travelled in these writings far and wide and felt I was not yet myself. My family life was in disarray. My father left us, and my mother, reconciling with him, moved us from London, Ontario, to Vancouver, Canada.
You are not defined by external labels or circumstances, I realized. I am shaped by my values, and my words and my behaviour shape my reputation. I was both a sinner and a saint. I would try to lean into the saint side of me. I would embrace this journey of self-discovery, a lifelong process to answer this age-old question: Who am I?
I am me. I am Kevin Ham. I am a dreamer who dreams of doing something great for my fellow humans — to inspire, to help others unlock the heart of their human potential, and also do great things myself. I would be a healer of souls. I would be a renaissance man, living and creating the dreams in my heart. Diving deep into my heart, I would explore myself, unearth the gold deep inside of me, and show it through pictures, words, poetry, books, musicals and movies.
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Crisis of Belonging (Adolescence)
True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.
Brené Brown (1965-)
My father left his job at Ford and started his own business, a grocery store called Pinto. I would see the bags of coins he brought home. I would take handfuls of coins, go to school, and give them to my classmates. That was my way of quickly making a lot of friends. I did this until the teacher told my parents.
Where do I belong? That is the next question we need to answer. While we start to discover ourselves, we quickly realize that we need to be part of something greater than ourselves to fit in yet be authentic. Peer pressure to conform to the group to belong outstrips the desire to be who we truly are. Do we fit into predefined, predetermined moulds and lose ourselves in the pursuit of acceptance?
It forces us to absolve our identity in return for acceptance and belonging. We encase our spirit and soul with layer upon layer of armour that protects us from being hurt. We shield our inner selves and mask ourselves to look and feel part of our tribe. We no longer unsheathe or unclothe our hearts to be vulnerable.
But despite being part of the tribe, we don't feel we truly belong until we find a person or cause that allows us to put our guard down and be truly vulnerable — to speak and feel with our hearts.
True belonging comes from self-acceptance, not the airs of conformity and camouflage. It happens when you connect with people who see and appreciate your authenticity.
Value depth over breadth of relationships and seek out people who value you for who you truly are rather than what they want you to be.
The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.
Maya Angelou (1928-2014)
Crisis of Purpose (Early Adult)
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
But why am I here? I want to do something in this world, but what? I want success, but what is success for me? We are told to get a good education, a good job, a good salary, and a good title and position. Without a deep purpose, these feel hollow.
It is said there are two most important days in your life: the day you are born and the day you understand and know why. The first was September 25, 1970. The second was August 5, 1986, the day I first believed in God, when I was born again.
It is the reason I keep going. I dream of building God.com, Religion.com, and Heaven.com once I get Jesus.com. I obtained the first three over 7 years, and the last one is still pending after 24 years.
I just came back from Guatemala, where I gave two health talks on the 7 Principles of Life and the 7 Principles of Blood. I felt that this is what I love to do. I connected these principles to body, mind, and spirit.
The pursuit of purpose isn't about achieving a title or status. It's about finding work and a way of life that brings deep meaning to your life and fills your spirit with joy and peace. Instead of focusing on external reward and validation, focus on internal fulfillment and peace.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.
Viktor Frankl (1905-1997)
Crisis of Relationships (20s/30s)
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou (1928-2014)
I am a romantic. Aren't we all? We dream of princes and princesses, fairy tale endings, and happily ever after. The Bible tells the story of Adam. He was given authority over all creation. Then, he was asked to name all the animals. As he named them one by one, he saw that each animal had a mate, male and female. This is what he lacked. He had no soul mate, even though he was all-powerful and perfect. His soul lacked love.
Then, from his rib was made a woman, Eve, bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh, and the two became one — two bodies, one heart.
In the pursuit of success and ambition, relationships are in the background. Instead, they should be the most important. It isn't for what we live but for who we live our lives for and with. Our spirit and soul desire a deep-seated connection with someone who matters most to us and who matters deeply to us. This feeling of love on so many levels, whether it is friends, family, or a life partner, fills our souls with love.
Love is the most potent force in the world. Kings fall under its sway and give up their thrones. Love is blind because it does not adhere to the rules and laws of cultures, religions and countries. Love has no boundaries. Who matters most in your life? Prioritize them always. All that you do is for them.
Relationships are not just maintained; they are nurtured and cultivated with love, genuine care, and empathy over a long time. Make sure you create these moments, taking the time to make people feel special.
Find your true loves in all facets of your life.
Intense love does not measure, it just gives.
Mother Teresa (1910–1997)
My Life Questions:
Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.
André Malraux (1901–1976)
Who am I?
Sometimes, it is helpful to break this question down into sub-questions.
What are your three core values? Write them down.
What are the dreams in your heart? Write them down.
What are the plans to make your dreams come true? Write them down, experiment, and redefine this plan often as you navigate them.
My Life Lessons Then (from my younger self):
The most common form of despair is not being who you are.
Søren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
1. Be true to yourself. Focus deep.
You may go far and wide, but eventually, you must go deep into your heart and explore its depths for your fears, dreams, and being.
2. Never quit.
It's easy to quit because sometimes life becomes too hard. I often thought of suicide when I was younger. But I didn't want to disappoint my mom. If I had lost her early, I perhaps would have had no hope. When we are in moments of despair, we may call it quits. At these times, we must go deep and resolve never to quit. I made that decision. I think it was the best decision of my life. Maybe I will fall into despair again in the future. But this lesson has stayed deep in my soul.
3. There is always hope. There is always love.
I thought I would never find love. But as I found love, I marvelled that love found me. It wasn't perfect, but love is overlooking all the imperfections, yet still loving. I realized that love is everywhere if you open your eyes and heart widely. There are so many people in this world looking for love. It's not just one soul mate you have in this world, but potentially millions—each unique and different. Like hide-and-go-seek, you must seek the love, define that love and let that love grow once found.
Life Advice Now (from my present 53 year old self):
One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.
Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)
1. Forever in my heart
I seek eternity in things--to live a life beyond myself. Out of this body, I wish to pen words and thoughts for future generations. I want to make modern musicals and movies that stir the soul and move the heart.
Forever is a lifetime of being and living and dreaming.
Each of us has this within us.
2. Only one
You don't need a whole lot. Just one. One love. One purpose. One friend. It helps to have one more just in case something happens to the one, which we know, given time, it will. Then, we live in the moments, in the memories. My mother died in 2006, but I still think of her often. It was hard growing up under her strictness and her high expectations for me to do something great, to live her dreams. But I am who I am because of those struggles, those expectations. I did not let them put me in despair but rather used them as stepping stones to build my character and life as I struggled through them.
Find that one.
3. Purpose. Never forget.
Just do it. Let His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Next week:
Life Failures, Mortality and Legacy.
Are you doing what you are born to do?
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
Robert F. Kennedy (1925-1968)
See you next Thursday!
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